Very recently, my family and I have been confronted with tragedy. A small gift that would come to a screeching halt leaving confusion, anguish, and despair. We learned of a pregnancy that soon became a miscarriage.
After comparing two ultrasounds, 11 days apart, the doctors revealed no progress. Our only given hope was found in a mere 1% chance of viability. Slim odds to be challenged by blood work for proof. The proof became closure that, in fact, there was no chance.
I can assure you that I’ve been through many hardships in my life. But, nothing, could prepare my soul for the whirlwind of emotions that would come.
I have to admit, it was hard for me to seek God in prayer. Not because I blamed God- no quite the contrary. I found it difficult to be joyful, praise Him, and thank Him (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) while experiencing such a deep, emotional pain.
However, I had a great army of friends praying for me and encouraging me. I was guided to listen to ‘The Garden’ by Kari Jobe. And, what an inspiring depiction of Jesus to comfort me during my personal journey.
I re-read the scripture of Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. I was given reassurance that I was not alone in my feelings of confusion, anguish, and despair. My beloved Friend, my precious Savior, Jesus Christ, encountered the same emotional and physical pain.
Through this time, I have been grieved with confusion. I am left pondering the question, “Why me?”, “Why should I have to endure this kind of hardship?” I imagine that Jesus asked the same. “Why should I, who has never sinned, take upon myself all the sins of everyone in all existence?” Now, of course, I am paraphrasing. But, here’s what Jesus does say in scripture, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup [of divine wrath] from Me;” (Luke 22:42a-AMP)
I’ve shed many tears in my life, but nothing like the deep, bellowing, uncontrollable streams that have poured out during this time. Oh, the anguish. But, Jesus- He knows what I’m going through, and even more. I never got to the point where my pain caused me to nearly die, but, Jesus did. “And being in agony [deeply distressed and anguished; almost to the point of death], He prayed more intently; and His sweat became like drops of blood, falling down on the ground.” (Lule 22:44-AMP)
When I was given a 1% chance of viability, it was my “last attempt” grasp for hope for this child to thrive. Then, came the despair. No more hope. No chance. Jesus, who had been given holy power and authority by his Almighty Father, could have walked away from the destination of the cross. But, he knew there was a 0% chance of eternal life for God’s created people whom He loved so much. Imagine the despair. “yet not My will, but [always] Yours be done.” (Luke 22:42b-AMP)
I have great consolation in Jesus’ experience. However, just like Jesus, I know my journey does not end in the garden. Just like Jesus, I know my journey does not end on Calvary’s hill. Just like Jesus, my journey does move onward with promises for hope, peace, and joy.
“The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you. For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.” (Romans 8:11,16-18)
Just like Jesus who was resurrected and ascended into glory, I will be given restoration and the ability to rise again. And, for this reason I am able to be joyful, praise my Jesus, and thank Him for my promises.
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”- John 16:33 (NLT)
Edited to update some of my favorite resources that have helped me throughout my journey of grief from loss.
|The Garden, CD
By Kari Jobe / Sparrow